Zenko's Tea Party
by Sifl-senpai
Summary: Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Ship Saigenos. Zenko throws an elaborate tea party and Saitama and Genos act the same way they always do. A comedy.


Zenko sat, poised and proper, at her heart-shaped table on her heart-shaped children's chair atop her heart-shaped carpet and in her favorite red dress and white gloves. The tea in her floral teapot and six matching teacups and saucers was heated to perfection, and the roses and lilies in the center of the table had nary a petal out of place. The cookies and croissants- crispy, in the true French style- were baked to perfection, with no burnt spots on the bottoms, and her petit fours had turned out fabulously, if she could say so herself, and she was also quite proud of the frosting roses and hearts she and her brother had crafted on each. In fact, everything on the table was picture perfect.

The guests around the table, however, well.

Zenko's big brother, bless him, was fine- he'd donned a tuxedo and a red bow tie for the occasion, and had even scrubbed the gel out of his hair to make himself presentable. In fact, even the black-eyed and split-lipped Human Monster Garou (what gutter Badd had pulled him from, Zenko could only guess at) and his odd tagalong Busaiku she could forgive, as the latter now sat pretty, a pink sequined dress draped over his body (it was the only thing Zenko had that would fit him), his hair curled, and full makeup on his wide face while the former had allowed Zenko to weave ribbon into the fork of his white hair (Zenko confirmed for herself that his hair was bona-fide un-style-able) and trade out his too-tight black turtleneck for a smart pink button down, black slacks, and the nice, red-ribbon-tied house slippers stored in a place of honor on a pedestal in Badd's side of the genkan.

"You better appreciate those shoes," her brother had warned as Zenko had slipped both a set of new pink socks and those prized red slippers over Garou's freshly-dried red toenails. "Appreciate 'em!"

Garou huffed at Badd from his spot at Zenko's vanity. "I'll appreciate whatever I want."

"You better be grateful, you…" Badd eyed Zenko, "...jerk! To my cute n' talented sister!"

"Hm." Instead, Garou fixed her with a lime green stare and a raised eyebrow. "What're you looking at, kid?"

Zenko smiled her most deviously winning smile then, and approved of Garou's transformation from beast to beauty with a nod. "You look very nice. Thank you for letting me dress you, Mister Human Monster Garou."

In the corner, Busaiku chuckled.

Garou returned fire. "What's so funny? Don't make me regret coming here."

"Yeah." Busaiku shuffled his feet, clasped his hands, and then unclasped them. Then, "Thanks for not making me be the only one to get dressed up."

"...Harumph!"

"You look nice, too, Busaiku," Zenko added. "Thank you for letting me dress you, too."

"Ah," Busaiku said, his cheeks reddening from beneath the makeup. "'Snot a big deal." He grinned. "I got to play with the little sister of the Metal Bat!"

Now, at the table, Zenko again nodded in approval to herself as Garou hunched forwards on his stool, sniffed at a red rose on his petit four and, after exchanging a look of incredulity with Busaiku, took a bite.

Badd glared at the boy. "Whaddaya say?"

"Oh!" Busaiku said, "Thank you for the, uh, tea and cake."

Zenko's brother then fixed his stare on Garou. "Hey! Say somethin'!"

"I have plenty I could say, but none of it is appropriate for young ears," Garou snarled at Badd, red frosting on his teeth momentarily looking for all the world like blood, and then looked from Zenko's expectant face to Busaiku's flushing, painted one. "...Thank you for the tea and cake," he said, glowering as best he could with a mouth full of half-chewed red velvet.

No, Garou and Busaiku were both quite in line with Zenko's standards, even if their table manners left something to be desired.

The real problem, she decided- as Caped Baldy dropped his cake on his shirt and panickedly used his lace doily placemat as a napkin while his companion fell over himself to try and dry the water with his odd hand cannons- was her two other, less amicable guests. Badd reacted to their antics about as normally as Zenko could expect and Busaiku's starry eyes only grew brighter, but Garou kept giving the two of them odd looks and averting his eyes from them every so often- especially from the bald one. If that wasn't a bad sign, Zenko didn't know what was.

As if to drive Zenko's opinion home, Baldy's shirt suddenly burst aflame from his friend's attentive drying- right over the iconographic breasts scrawled over his real ones.

"Aw," Baldy said. He dumped the rest of his tea on the flames to put them out, and sighed when his chest revealed itself nipple-to-nipple through the hole in the fabric and his pants collected the discarded tea in a puddle atop his crotch. "Guess this is ruined. Crap."

It wasn't exactly an improvement, but at least neither Zenko nor the rest of the world would miss Baldy's "OPPAI" t-shirt and ratty shorts all that much.

"Hey! Watch your fuckin' language!" Badd shouted across the table. He cleared his throat when Zenko turned her scrutiny onto him for the slip-up.

"Huh?" Baldy paused in his poor attempt at fixing his nipple situation. "Oh. Sorry. Shit. That better?"

"Are you tryin' to make me angry?!"

"Uh?" Baldy blinked. "No? I thought, because of what you said, you'd, uh… nevermind."

"That's right, nevermind!" Badd countered.

In the midst of this, Zenko indulged in her tea, satisfied that the conflict would pass like the many other episodes of her brother's temper, and then immediately cursed her optimism when Caped Baldy's attentive companion opened his perfect lips.

"How dare you speak to my sensei this way!" Demon Cyborg, or the Cyborg Prince, the beautiful new blood of the S-class, abandoned the dishevelled Baldy to snarl at Zenko's mouthy brother. He was definitely as beautiful as the media made him out to be, especially in his open-collared black dress shirt and permanent lack of sleeves, but his stiff personality kept Zenko parked solidly in the Amai Mask fanclub. "We have only attended this event out of the kindness of Saitama-sensei's heart, after he heard your desperate plea!"

"I'm never one to turn down free food," Baldy added with a bland smile.

"In any case, my Sensei deserves your absolute respect, you small-minded brute!" the Prince shot up to his full height to tower over Badd. The table lurched forwards as his titanium shins slammed into it, and Zenko winced as her dishes rattled. Busaiku gasped.

"Oh, yeah?!" Badd challenged. "Your Sensei down there ain't got no presence, no cash, no table manners, no class, and now he ain't got no shirt!"

The Cyborg Prince's eyes flashed dangerously. "If you do not amend your attitude, I will not hesitate to put you in your place, even in the presence of your sister, you bratty, foul-tempered delinquent!"

"That's the cat callin' the monkey a long-tailed ba-" Badd trailed off as his little sister grabbed his sleeve, "-ad thing. Long-tailed bad thing."

"Well, this long tailed ba-" the Prince paused mid-quip. "A cat, you say? I am a cat?" His pupils darted to his dowdy Sensei, and the strangest smile appeared on his face. His irises suddenly blacked out and faded into his dark sclera and, for a moment, Zenko was afraid he had shut down. "Did you hear that, Saitama-sensei? Your dream of petting a cat as much as you like is now a reality!"

Baldy looked up from his daisy plate. "Hanh?" he said, a cookie in the shape of a rabbit clenched between his teeth. "Whahabou' a cah?"

"Yes, Sensei!" The Prince rested a metal hand over the center of his chest. "I will allow you to cuddle me and touch me however you like, whenever you wish!" His smile grew wider, and tiny trails of steam erupted from the slits on his shoulders and from the vents on his exposed chest. "It would surely bring us both great pleasure!"

Across the table, Garou choked on his petit four, just a little, and Badd's veins popped out of his head while Busaiku's eyes suddenly quadrupled in size beneath his unibrow. Zenko, meanwhile, looked from the Prince to Baldy with renewed interest.

"Uhh," Baldy said, "I'm pretty sure that came out wrong, so I'm, like, gonna keep eating my cookie and pretend you didn't say anything."

The Prince deflated all the way back down to his stool. "...Yes, Sensei." He picked up the heart-shaped cookie on his plate with reluctant hands and dejected, glowing eyes, and sighed.

Zenko did a double-take. Did her ears deceive her?

"I could make Sensei more cookies to keep all to himself." The Prince sighed again, for longer and with more emphasis, and finished it off with the most perfect pout known to man.

Zenko gasped. She knew that sound anywhere- the mournful sound of a lover denied by his beloved one and only, like the ones Amai Mask made on his daytime romantic drama, Sparkling Unrequited Beautiful Pretty Handsome Pretty Boy Love- Zenko's favorite- wherein a prince fell in love with a pauper and lavished attention, gifts, melodrama, and cliches upon his oblivious should-be lover, but was conveniently never noticed his grandiose and commercialized efforts! Heartbreaking- and playing out right in front of her face, in her very own bedroom!

"Yeah," Baldy said, "But these are already here, so you don't have to push yourself so hard! Eat up!"

The Prince's heart cookie pointedly snapped in two, and he sighed yet again, more forlornly, more mournfully, than even the Amai Mask of Zenko's daydreams. She clutched at her chest as the light reflecting off of Baldy's gleaming chrome dome and then filtering through the overhead glass and glitter chandelier lit the Cyborg Prince's face in a shower of sparkles and rainbows.

"W-what th' Hell!" Badd finally shouted, his face peaking in color somewhere between the shade of the roses on the table and that of a ripened eggplant. "I can't believe you said that! My sister's right there!" He ran a hand over his eyes and through his hair. "I'm gonna kick your-!"

Zenko held out the hand that was not currently considering pummeling her brother for interrupting the fantasy, and Badd heeled like the good, thoughtful brother he was.

"No fighting," she said.

"But Zenko," Badd whined. "He's a lewd motherf-"

"No fighting! And no talking like that." Zenko's halting hand twisted down into an open palm. "They're our guests. In fact." the brilliance of Baldy's turned forehead hit her like the brightest idea she had ever conjured forth. She fluttered her eyelids at her brother and smiled. "Will you take Mister Caped Baldy and help him pick out some new clothes? Nice ones." Then, with another appraisal of the Cyborg Prince's perfect hair, perfect lips, perfectly pressed black dress pants, black shirt, and red snakeskin belt, "Ones to match his friend."

"What!" Badd looked from the surprised Baldy to the determined Zenko, his mouth open and ready to protest.

"He can borrow my dress. It's really nice," Busaiku offered, pinkening more behind his makeup. "I-I don't mind."

"Oh, that's alright, Busaiku. I'm sure my brother has something else that he can wear."

"O-oh."

"What?!" repeated Badd, still stuck deciding whether he wanted to pick a fight or gape like an incredibly suave fish at the situation in general.

"Look, uh, Zengo? Senko? Sanko?" Baldy shrugged. "Pachinko? Kid. It's really fine. I'll just grab some food to go and leave you to your nice tea party, and then we'll-"

Zenko's table took another beating as the Prince shot back up to his feet, arms down by his sides. "I would like to dress my Sensei, please!"

"Hunh?"

Zenko clapped her hands at the potential tension and long, unrealistically intimate process of one person helping another put their pants on one leg at a time. "Yes! Yes! I'll go with you! I can help!"

Baldy started with a mild shake of his head. "Genos, man, I can dress myself, you know?"

The Prince stepped forwards into Baldy's space. "But, Sensei! I cannot allow-"

"Like I said, though, it's really not-"

The Prince leaned in to Baldy. "But please, Sensei!"

Baldy held out his hands and their faces drew closer. "Aw, Genos. C'mon, now."

"Sensei! Please!" Closer.

"Genos!" Even closer.

"Sensei!" Closer still.

Zenko covered her mouth with one hand and grabbed Busaiku's in the other in her glee, and he changed color to match the ribbons in Garou's hair. Meanwhile-

"Genos!" Almost there.

"Sensei." Just a little more…!

"G-Genos…"

"Sensei…"

"Shaddup, Jesus!" Badd inserted himself between both Baldy and the Prince.

Zenko realized for the first time that she probably had it in her to knock her big brother senseless with or without a metal bat or fightin' spirit either one, but restrained herself.

"Just Shaddup! Shaddup, both of you! You're obnoxious! Just go and put on a shirt, okay?!" Badd shoved Baldy with all of his strength, and the other man anticlimactically realized his assaulter's intention and walked out of the room like a stupefied cow.

"Guess that settles that," Baldy said. "I'll be back, Genos! Don't run off without me!"

"I could never, Sensei!" Genos said, metal hand over metal heart, as the door zipped shut in his face.

Zenko swooned, her hopes of watching a real-life love fantasy still quite intact, and then counted to ten just to be certain that nobody unwanted was in earshot for the next crucial scene- wherein the hero admits his feelings and goes into an entire soliloquy, just like that infamous scene in Amai Mask's newest spin-off movie, Lovely Pretty Shiny Money Handsomely Masked Lovely Lovey Dovey Lover Love Soliloquy of Love.

"Now," Zenko said to the Prince, releasing Busaiku from her hold and folding her prim little hands together atop her table, "Cyborg Prince. Tell the truth. You're in love with Caped Baldy, aren't you?"

Busaiku's painted mouth popped open into a perfect circle and Garou almost tossed his cookies outright. "I'm not sitting through this idiotic shit," Garou growled, more to Busaiku than Zenko- though it was Zenko's glare that gave him pause. "Stuff. I'm not sitting through this stuff."

"Would you rather help my brother dress Caped Baldy?"

"D-dress that guy?!" Garou looked like a cornered animal as he glanced around to and fro with wide, frightened eyes. "Are you crazy?! He's-!"

Zenko moved the tray of sweets farther away from him.

And so, Garou let the sentence go forever unfinished. "...For the record, I'm not listening."

"Of course," Zenko said, pushing the cookies back over to Garou and refilling his and Busaiku's teacups. "But now, Mister Cyborg Prince. Tell me why you love Caped Baldy! Tell me everything!"

"Harumph!" Garou said.

The Cyborg Prince, at least, was happy to play the part of the smitten adventurer embarking on the greatest adventure of his B-movie cinematic life thus far- a journey into his overdone romantic pining. "Everyone should be enamored with Saitama-sensei," the Prince gushed. "He is not only perceptive, but wonderful, admirable, frugal, wise, and strong."

Garou shuddered.

"I've only ever read that Caped Baldy's s'posed to be a fraud," Busaiku said.

"He's not," Garou and the Prince enlightened, though the Prince was very much the more vehement of the two and added- "Saitama-sensei is anything but a fraud! He is the most genuine hero I know of!"

"So Caped Baldy's name is Saitama!" Zenko said. "You're even defending his honor!"

"Yes!" Genos said, a little too loudly. "It is truly a wonderful name, like everything else about him! Please call my Sensei by his name! He hates his hero name of Caped Baldy, as do I! It is not befitting for someone so great!" Genos clenched a red-painted metal fist. My Sensei is glorious and handsome and the greatest person I know! I would do anything for Saitama-sensei!"

"Aw," said Zenko, capturing Busaiku's arm and pulling him off his stool. "Almost as great as my brother? Tell us more! Tell us more!"

Garou chewed louder, and pointedly made little snorting noises with each bite.

The Prince's eyes sparkled, and then faded to black, too caught up in something beyond their sight to pay Garou or Zenko any mind. "Rather recently, my Sensei saved me from a giant bull!"

"Oh," Zenko said, envisioning danger, drama, and Amai Mask's face taped over Caped Baldy's as he stylishly jumped in front of a raging beast cruelly holding a swooning Genos hostage.

"Yes!" The Prince gave his signature shout of affirmation. "Regrettably, I had let my guard down. The beast had me pinned by my legs against the side of a building, with the intent to gore me- although he could not do so, considering that most of my body is mechanical and not of flesh. With this in mind- the fact that metal is in fact not organic- the technically correct language to use in my specific case would be-"

"You're a chatty one, aren't you?" grumbled Garou. Zenko gave him a look, and he busied himself with snarfing down more snacks.

The Prince was unfazed. "Yes, my Saitama-sensei, too, scolds me for my loquacious explanations. He is very striking and engaging when his temper takes a hold of him. While most may not see his lack of hair as a trait capable of heightening his appeal, my Sensei regularly manages to use his baldness to his advantage in the right light- most literally, I must add. Why, in fact, while in the right light, Saitama-sensei's head looks rather like that of a king in a time gone by, unparalleled in both power and beauty.

"He is pretty bald," Busaiku said.

"Mm. Regrettably. And yet, his shining scalp is part of what makes my Sensei my Sensei, though I admittedly have not given up hope of convincing Saitama-sensei to accept the option of hair implants into his scalp to thereby make him even more dashing at all hours of the day."

The beautified Caped Baldy in Zenko's mind suddenly sprouted long, flowing locks of gleaming cerulean hair- so, basically, he became Amai Mask. "Oh wow! He should! He should get them!" Her big eyes rivaled the sun in terms of sparkle. "So pretty!"

Angels sang out in Zenko's mind as the clouds of the Prince's serious expression parted and revealed a smile. "Such a possibility excites me not only with the prospect of experiencing how beautiful my Sensei would be with hair, but also enticing me with the possibility of running my fingers through it when, one day, in response to my most important of dreams, he comes close and-"

"You dare make me and the kids listen to this?!"

Zenko slammed a new plate of food directly into Garou's face and leaned across the table, visions of Amai Mask still dancing in her eyes. "No, no, go on! Tell me! Tell me about what you think it would be like to kiss him!" Busaiku stood stock still, half-on and half-off his stool, trapped in Zenko's arms.

"...Kiss?" Alas, the Prince's deadpan expression returned, though there were trails of steam shooting from his shoulders. "Kiss my Sensei?" He put a hand on his chin.

"Um," Busaiku blinked, his mascara leaving track marks above and below his eyelids. "That was what this was about, right?"

"Yes!" added Zenko. "Tell us! Tell us!"

Meanwhile, the Prince was off in his own little world. "Could it be that his strength can be transferred to me through such contact? I have not considered such a thing, but I suppose…"

He remained silent for a few moments.

"...Excuse me. I became too preoccupied with the details of my hopes regarding Saitama-sensei, and for that I apologize."

"Aw, but Cyborg Prince!" Zenko whined. Just when she thought the drama was coming along nicely!

The Prince bowed, ever so slightly. "As a receptive party to my Sensei's greatness, call me Genos, please."

Perhaps not all was lost. To Zenko, the roses in the vase suddenly multiplied until there was nothing in the room but a field of them and Genos's perfect face. "Prince Genos…!"

"I only meant to tell you how, during my time of need, Sensei dipped his cape- a prized possession of his that he holds in the highest regard as he acquired it at the dawn of his at-the-time amateur Hero career after he busted a crime ring with nothing but his bare hands and-"

Suddenly, there was a shattering of glass and a sliver of a man dressed in all black appeared above Prince Genos, a long, thin blade poised above his head.

"I've got you now, you clingy bucket of bolts!" A-Class criminal Speed o' Sound Sonic announced. "Now, where is Saitama?!"

Zenko knew a villain when she saw one. "A rival! Busaiku! A rival has come to vy for the affections of the Prince's beloved!" Then, "Put that sword away, mister! This is a tea party, not an episode of Naruto!"

"Allow me." Genos reached up and snapped Sonic's sword in two, unconcerned. "Now, be quiet, pest. I was not finished extolling the virtues of my beautiful sensei. Though," his tone changed, "I must agree that this story is much more entertaining and magical to hear him tell it himself. Sensei is a wonderful storyteller in a humble, understated way..."

Sonic clenched his fists and buttcheeks tighter with every word from the Prince's mouth.

"...Most of his stories are personal in nature, and are very revealing portraits of my Sensei as the man beneath the bland facade and amazing strength. They are also quite moving. One in particular moved me to the point that I was forced to wipe the oil from my eyes as-"

"Hey!" Sonic screeched, abandoning the shattered sword and pulling out a knife from somewhere unmentionable. "Don't ignore-!"

Garou suddenly appeared behind Sonic and slammed a hand into his kidney. "Enough, you screeching little rat! Don't add any more noise to my life than I'm already stuck with!"

"Hey!" Zenko cried. "Stop it! No fighting! That's the rule!"

Garou snorted and reclaimed his seat while Sonic writhed on the floor. "That wasn't even a real fight."

Prince Genos bowed his head. "I digress. He interrupted my divulging of deeply personal information that I should not discuss without consent, anyhow. I appreciate your respect of my Saitama-sensei's privacy and disposal of this idiot, Human Monster Garou, although I assure you that I could have handled that part."

"Don't flatter yourself. I didn't do it for you." Garou snagged the teapot and refilled his cup- and then Zenko's.

"If you say so." Prince Genos tossed his head, and the most peculiar smile appeared on his face. "I now see why Sensei allowed you to live."

Busaiku's eyes bugged out from his face. "He beat you, mister?!"

Garou looked down at his cup, and then thrust it up to his mouth to hide from the spotlight. "Demon Cyborg! Finish your story!"

"Yes!" Agreed Zenko, desperate to escape this path of tacky violence in favor of the tacky love story she had so patiently been waiting to hear! "Please!"

The Prince obliged. "As I was saying, you see, Sensei dyed his precious cape red, and waved it before the bull like a shining, bald matador as a distraction to save me from certain doom, and then he heroically finished the beast with but one single punch!"

Garou's pallor mysteriously changed to match that of his hair, and Sonic moaned louder from his place on the floor and covered his crotch for reasons unknown. Zenko clapped her hands. "Oh, wow! Amazing!"

"Yes!" Genos affirmed. "Monster guts flew everywhere!"

Buisaiku made up for Zenko's momentary lapse in enthusiasm. "Awesome!"

"Yes! Saitama-sensei is awesome!" Prince Genos's eyes widened as he leaned forward into Busaiku's face, his hands pulled from his thighs and splayed on the table. "In fact, I do believe that The One Punch Man is a much more fitting title for my Sensei than Caped Baldy, as he can destroy any danger with one single punch. Indeed, Sensei is the strongest man in the world, and I theorize that he is in fact the strongest man in the entire universe! Nothing can conquer Saitama-sensei's sublime strength."

"Nothin'?" asked Busaiku.

"Nothing." Garou took a white-knuckled sip of his tea.

Zenko shook her poor captive. "Can we please stop talking about blood and guts?! Get to the good part! Tell me about your feelings for Caped Baldy!"

Prince Genos nodded. "Being with Sensei is the safest I have ever felt since the accident that resulted in my transformation into this cyborg you see before you."

If it was possible, Zenko held Busaiku tighter. "Awww! That's so good! It's perfect!"

"Yes!" Genos glowed, his odd smile growing wider and his irises again fading into the darkness of his eyes. "I like to believe so. But, just to clarify for your understanding about myself, five years ago, when I was the tender age of fifteen, I lost my family and my village in a terrible attack. Although we were poor and had to pinch pennies, we loved one another very much and were very happy. Alas, though, as I have said, one day, a mad cyborg appeared in our village and levelled-"

Zenko put a hand over her heart. "Oh, you poor thing! See, this is why my brother works hard to be a hero- but also why I don't like when it gets too rough and throws himself into this kind of ugly fighting business." She dramatically sighed into Busaiku. "Poor Prince Genos!"

Sonic groaned, and Garou gave him a nice kick in the side for his input.

"Excuse me," the Prince said. "I was overcome with memories for a moment. The point is that I never need fear anything taking my Sensei away from me, nor anything taking me away from him, for he is indestructible. After the fight with the giant bull, he carried me all the way to my doctor for repairs, with the sunlight behind us and gleaming from his perfectly spherical head in such a way as to best show off his face, as I have already discussed at length."

The noise Zenko made was questionably human, at best. "He carried you off into the sunset?!" This was better than any Amai Mask film to date! "Oh, wow!"

"Yes! He economically consolidated myself and my broken legs into the same grocery bag, right next to the onions and fish!"

Garou stopped eating for a moment and shared a mutual look with Busaiku. Zenko meanwhile retreated into another fantasy where, rather than stuff Genos in the bag like a can of sardines, Capped-Baldy-with-Amai Mask's-head used the onions and fish to create a romantic dinner for two and fed it to the tragically damaged but cosmetically intact Cyborg Prince.

Prince Genos looked around the table, inordinately pleased. "It's gratifying to know that there are others awestruck by my Sensei's greatness besides myself."

Sonic made a noise that was the closest thing to words he had managed since his unfortunate spill onto the floor.

"Quiet, Speed o' Clown. I was not referring to you." the Prince snorted, and then gave another one of his black-eyed smiles as he reentered orator mode. "While I was most ashamed of my most recent self-destructive failure and feared I would never come close to worthy of standing beside him in both strength and wisdom, I could not deny how cool my Sensei looked in the fading light of the sunset and how he surely must care for me if he was willing to soil his cape for my sake. This reminds me; I must pick it up from the dry cleaner's in the next few hours. As Sensei's disciple, it is imperative that I complete the housework with maximum efficiency to please him, despite his insistence that I do not need to clean his house or cook his food or air out his futon or do his laundry or clean his bathroom or complete his shopping or record his favorite shows or buy him surprise presents or iron his underwear…"

Garou groaned, and put his face in his hands.

"Honey! I'm hoooome! Heh."

Saitama returned, fully dressed, at the end of the most verbose and exhaustively detailed list of chores Zenko had ever heard, sporting a fedora Badd had never worn for fear of quashing his usual pompadour and a heart-and-cross patterned sweater vest and bow tie combination Zenko recognized from Badd's middle school family picture days.

"He's too scrawny for anythin' else." Badd answered his sister's questioning look with a shrug and shuffling of slippers.

But, whatever. It was enough to bring Prince Genos to his feet immediately. "Saitama-sensei! You look-"

Zenko pressed her hands together and let the stars in her eyes shine forth once more. This was, finally, finally, the part where the Prince was swept off his feet by how beautiful his one true love was, and only now by the simple fact of changing into an outfit different from the norm can the dashing Prince no longer bear hiding his feelings, and so must sweep his beloved off his heart-socked feet!

The gold of Genos's eyes gleamed as if to take the place of Baldy Saitama's trademark head. "-like you have finally embraced the idea of wearing a hat to defer attention from your obvious baldness!"

Zenko's daydream shattered to pieces as Saitama's mouth popped open in outrage.

"Shut'cher mouth. We ain't codfish," Badd criticized, tapping the underside of Baldy's uncooperative chin.

His mouth remained open. Badd tried again, harder this time.

Nothing happened.

Badd delivered an uppercut to Saitama's jaw.

The definitive crack of Badd's knuckles resounded through the room, along with a stream of defeated almost-curses. "If ya broke my knuckles, I'll kill ya!"

In a way, Zenko could see herself growing to like Caped Baldy Saitama. He taught Badd the concept of consequences, anyway. "I said no violence. That's what you get for not following the rules."

"Pah!" Bad grumbled some more and plopped back down onto his stool at Zenko's immaculate table.

"Sensei," Prince Genos said, small smile lighting up his face and darkening his smug eyes, "I might call that," he smiled wider, "a jawbreaker, in a manner of speaking."

A new groan erupted from Sonic and Garou in tandem while Busaiku's painted face planted itself squarely into his palm.

But Caped Baldy's offended gaping transformed like magic to a dopey smile. "Heh," he said, "that's a good one. You've learned much, Genos!"

Zenko put back on her Caped-Baldy-looks-like-Amai-Mask goggles and swooned at the plain, now-smiling not-idol.

"Only because the best is teaching me," Prince Genos responded, stepping closer to Saitama and ignoring everyone else around him, "Sensei." Zenko geared up for another possible kissing moment, and preemptively grabbed Busaiku just in case her fantasy did come true and she needed something to ground her. Or soften her fall should she faint- whichever. Busaiku seemed to enjoy it, so she didn't feel too bad, whatever happened.

Amai Baldy crossed his arms. "Don't think acting all cute's gonna fix this. I'm still mad at you." He turned around and pressed his lips together into a thin line.

Prince Genos solved the problem by taking a cookie from his plate and slotting it between Amai Baldy's flattened lips. Saitama took the bait and clenched his teeth around it accordingly.

"Stupid cyborg. See if I ever save you again," he grumbled over his rude mouthful.

Zenko pretended that Prince Genos's act of feeding his Sensei was much more romantic and candy-coated, and that she didn't see the middle finger Amai Baldy popped up in the cyborg's direction (though she did appreciate her brother's covering of it with a napkin.) This wasn't all that hard, considering she had already successfully managed to uphold the illusion that Baldy Saitama had the face and hair of Handsomely Masked Amai Mask- and if she could make and support an adjustment that drastic, her mind's eye could do anything. "Besides that," she prompted the Prince, "don't you think that your Sensei looks just wonderful?"

Prince Genos couldn't have reacted better if he'd had a script. "Saitama-sensei always looks wonderful."

"Yeah, I'm not about to fall for that suck-up crap," Saitama said.

"It is not crap!"

"It is!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is-"

"Will you two jes' make out already?!" Bad growled, banging his fists on the table and regretting it immediately. "Fu-!" He spied his sister, "-geddaboutit! Son of a biscuit!" In his animated grief, he rolled off his stool and joined the incapacitated Sonic on the floor. "It's my whole d-," he hissed, "amalamadingdong arm!"

Badd was still talking; he'd live. Zenko would bandage it later, when they didn't have romantic tension and guests.

Amai Baldy stopped bickering with his Prince to grin at Badd. "Heheh. 'Just kiss already.' That's a good one, too!"

"A good what?"

"A good joke, of course!" Amai Baldy grinned, and the light from Zenko's chandelier this time fractured and reflected off his teeth. "It would never happen, though. Right, Genos?" He smiled fondly at Prince Genos and the two of them lost themselves in one another's eyes.

"Of course not," the Prince supplied after good minute and a half of googly-eyed silence. "My wonderful Sensei is not into men."

Zenko mistook the shattering of Garou's teacup for the shattering of her heart. "...What?" Garou said, his hair somehow sharper and more pointed than before and his fingers somehow elongated above the new splatter of tea and ceramic shards sitting where his teacup used to be. "After all of this…!"

"'Wonderful Sensei'?!" Amai Mask sent his attention back to his doting disciple. "Aw, Genos, what did I tell you about flattery! It's creepy, man!" His crooked smile and gentle tap on Prince Genos's nose said otherwise. "Brag on yourself for once, too! You're pretty cool, y'know!"

"It is only true, Sensei! And I am nowhere near as cool as you!"

"Genos!"

"Sensei!"

Genos."

"Sensei."

"Genos…"

The two of them leaned in close. "Please," whispered a purpling Busaiku struggling desperately against Zenko's shocked vicegrip. "Please just kiss before I die!"

"Or before I kill you," Garou threatened oblivious Sensei and Prince under his breath.

Prince Genos and Amai Baldy split apart, their faces mere centimeters from touching, and took their seats before the cookies, flirting amicably and exclusively with one another.

"Damn it!"

Zenko released Busaiku to put a gentle hand over Garou's wet and trembling knuckles. For this, she could forgive him the teacup, the cursing, and the threats of violence that had been thrown out this day. "Patience," she said. "I understand how you feel." Zenko sniffed, and turned around to draw strength from the Amai Mask romcom poster hanging above her bed. "It'll happen- even if I have to host a million tea parties to get through to them. I promise, we'll all get through this together."

On the floor, Sonic and Badd groaned.


End file.
